Expectations Strike Back
#1.2 Are we really the Uber-Man that we project onto our calendars?
This is a 3 part story, and this is #1.2
Rejection just tests how much you want that outcome.
Going to university was a very strange act. Not because I didn’t want to go, but I guess like everyone, my expectations were very different from reality.
After deciding to become a film director, I spoke to my dad.
About my dad: His dream was to be a cyclist, but he chose his other passion, in light of the realistic possibilities of his time: mechanical engineering.
Romania, post-communism followed in the footsteps of other great nations: it encouraged commerce with other countries, and of course, going away. Some people fled for good, finding refuge in the internet bubble of the 90’s USA. A more risk-tolerating way was to become a sailor and be promised to see the great wonders of the world. Heck, even Basescu, one of our former presidents was one. This is the path that my dad took: a mechanical engineer sailor, who saw the entire world and brought back gifts to his girlfriend(my mum) and family. He chose the “safe way”.
And as most sons do, deeply buried in my subconscious, I followed in my dad’s footsteps. Now realizing this, I blush a bit.
When I told him about this ambition, he ended his encouraging speech with: “What are you going to do to earn money though? You have to be realistic.”
He made me insecure.
Rejection tests how much you want that outcome.
Fear, rationality or confusion may have made me second-guess my decision.
Second-guess, third-guess, and finally decide on something else.
That something else was Computer-Science.
My friend Vlad a year later said “oh, so you chose the safe way”. Something that stuck with me.
I was fortunate enough to be able to study in Amsterdam, at the Vrije Universiteit. CS was the way to go for multiple reasons. Of course, a programmer can earn a living and not be homeless, so that solved one of my fears at least.
Steve Jobs said that he chose a programmer for Garage Band, a music recording software, because he had other passions aside from programming, he played guitar. I had plenty other passions.
It struck a chord. Pun intended.
I realized that a “creative” could offer a fresh perspective to the analytical job. Conversely, an analytical person could offer so much to the creative process. As an example, just look at jazz music. I realized that programming is like being a director. You have many elements that contribute to the piece of art you want to create. You are in charge if that comes to fruition or not.
I felt that I could contribute.
….so I signed up and never looked back. Or did I?
What I know is that I lied to my mum about going to the intro week, an event where you could socialise with your colleagues for the first time, because I sequestered myself to learn programming. And that’s what I did for the first entire year.
Loneliness hit me like a train, made me grateful for the days I spent with my homies and family, made me into who I am today.
In dutch unis, you have a requirement on how many credits you needa have to get into the second year. And that’s what pushed me to grind: a fear of being inadequate. That’s also what pushed a many of my colleagues back to where they came from.
I got into an awesome Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu team, made friends and also unexpectedly, happened upon chances to live my “director dream”. I became their photographer.
This pushed me into other opportunities, even travelled throughout Europe getting paid. It gave me the courage to seek out the opportunities I always wanted. And this became my first bussiness.
Or rather self-employment. Client acquisition, pre and post production, accounting and other head-aches. This skill is a 5x skill, since it opens so many doors still.
Passing the first year, the dichotomy of loneliness and courage from photography shaped me into a very interesting snob. Time became a commodity. Google Calendar. Do I really wanna spend time with that person? Are my plans on the Google Calendar realistic ? Am I really the Uber-Man that I project to be on there ?
NO!
But the failure to live up to my own projections taught me the valuable lesson of gauging correctly interests, possibilities and vision. I may add that I am still struggling with this.
But a healthy amount of instability is what makes people unique.
Very powerful story